92

I find it increasingly more difficult to write musings. Usually I do one of these when I get really upset about something, but the things that upset me nowadays aren't worth mentioning.
   I feel upset because someone else is chosen over me to hang out with. This isn't something I should whine or complain about however, as I wish happiness for those I care about and I can't assure that the time spent with me would be better than it would've been with someone else. We forge our own happiness best with the happiness of those around us. If I force myself onto other then neither of us will be as happy as we could've been otherwise.
   When others ask me if anything's wrong I don't feel I can let them in on what's bugging me. "They preferred someone else over me" doesn't really have a solution other than to let it be and eventually it'll stop being an issue. I don't think I would want pity in these moments either, as I am well aware already that I am well liked and people enjoy my company.

Sometimes I get called out for being cold and too analytical. I can see why.

Until next time.

91

I don't know why, but I feel an urge to write about my current state. I'll leave it for later to see if I get around to publishing this as I believe thag these thoughts are temporary and will pass with time.

It is currently 6:35 am on January 1st 2016. I am in my bed and have just turned of my computer.
   My New Year's Eve was not what I would call enjoyable. I got out of bed well after 2:00 pm and didn't eat until dinner was served. After eating and playing a couple of rounds of Geoguessr with my family I retreated to my room to play video games.
   As time approached midnight I realised I had missed the traditional broadcast of Dinner for One on the TV. This New Years wouldn't really be celebrated by me, and I realised I had barely lent Christmas a thought either.
   As I saw the wishes of a happy new year beginning to pour into my Facebook feed Incouldn't help but feel a bit jelous (or perhaps envious) of how happy everyone else seemed with their gatherings. It is my seclusion however, my self-imposed exile, that left me alone by the computer without anyone to talk to.
   Sometimes it's rather difficult.

Until next time.

Addendum: As was to be expected I feel much better after sleeping. I still don't know why I've felt especially cynical during this holiday season. Oh well. Here's to 2016.

90

I awoke in the middle of the night. Next to me I could hear my tentmate snoring and fast asleep. I rose up and put on a pair of trousers, feeling I needed to escape the tent for a moment to relieve myself.
   Outside was gloomy with the climbing full moon being the sole source of light. Its image could be seen reflected on the calm lake we'd set up camp by the evening before. A slow chill blew across from the water, encouraging me to hurry up my pace. I moseyed off behind a bush and some reed and unzipped. Everything was silent.
   Suddenly I heard a sound far off, coming from the other side of the lake. It sounded like a shriek, somewhere between a spinning car-wheel and a young woman. As I peered out for the source a tiny speck of light appeared on the opposite beach. I tried to focus and distinguish what it was and noticed it growing. It grew and grew, seemingly moving across the lake towards me. The light turned into the shape of a woman, wearing a white dress with her dark hair flapping in the wind behind her. Her face was twisted and contorted into gaping maw.
   I immediately ran back to the tent, screaming for my friend to wake up so we could leave. They awoke as I were shaking their sleeping bag and wondered what the fuss was about. I tried to explain what I had seen while at the same time ensuring them that there was no time. We had to leave, now! They got up and peeked out the tent flap and sighed. They said there was nothing out there, I had just been dreaming.
   We laid down again to sleep and my friend soon began snoring. As I closed my eyes I could hear a familiar shriek from outside the tent.

89

I awoke to the ringing of their communications panel. The green light of the chronometer showed 4:12 am, far too early for any sensible person to be calling. I dragged myself out of bed and tapped to open the comm-line.
   "Aisha Hanna speaking." I said.
   "Heeey Aisha. It's Emma, Emma Davies?"
   I let out a heavy sigh. "What do you want?"
   "Well, you see..." Emma seemed hesitant. "I might have run into a bit of trouble."
   "Troubling enough to wake me up at four in the morning? I have a day job, you know."
   "I might have, you know, 'borrowed' a little something from the Clan."
   My eyes sprung open. "Are you saying you stole from Sunbeam!? What's wrong with you!"
   "I only copied a couple of files, no biggie. Everything's still on their computers; it's not like I erased anything." Emma's voice had turned into a mumble. "Anyway, I need an extraction."
   "Are you serious?" I was dumbfounded. "You wake me up at night to tell me you've stolen from the biggest astrotech manufacturer in the system, and then you have the gall to ask for a ride?"
   There was a silence. "So can you do it?"
   I scratched an eye with my thumb and sighed heavily. "Triple rate. Where are you?"
   "Thanks! I'm still at the lab. You can get me from the roof of building F. You won't regret this."
   "I'll be the one to decide." I said and closed the channel.
   The lights of the flat flickered on as I started to get dressed.

Elements generated using tables found in the Stars Without Number: Core Edition Rulebook.

88

Sometimes I enjoy staying up late just listening to sombre music. I can't put my finger on why that is though.

87

At the risk of sounding pretentious I am currently going through emotions that are difficult to put to word. I have tried on several occasions to write up something, anything, but as you can probably see I've come up empty. Hopefully this drought will come to an end soon, as I really do enjoy writing the pieces that end up here, no matter the quality.

86

Imagine yourself walking through a mall. It's probably during a weekned because it's crowded with people going inand out of shops. While you are heading for your destination you are stopped by a stranger. They look like any other seller with dark trousers, nice shirt, and an inoffensive haircut.
   In front of them is a pedestal with a red button on it. They offer you the chance to press it once, calmly telling you that doing so will kill someone, somewhere. You'd probably just give them a strange look, maybe berate them a little, and walk away.
   Now, what if they told you pressing the button would kill a criminal. It could be anyone from a young shoplifter to an aged mass-murderer. I'd argue most would still not do it, unless you have vey conservative views on crime and punnishment.
   This time pressing the button would end the life of a murderer, a person who has unlawfuly killed a least one other person. Some might press the button here while proclaiming that "the death of this person will save the life of others," while others may still walk away thinking "killing someone for killing is ridiculus."
   Here's where it gets interesting; What if the button kills a person who will be the cause for more evil than anyone else, past, present, or future? Would you press it? You are all that stands between suffering and happiness for millions if not billions of people. I bet the trigger-finger's starting to itch for even the most hardcore of pacifists. Would you?

Why do you trust the stranger that pressing the button won't kill yourself, or someone you love?
What right do you have to control the fate of someone you don't know or have even heard of?
What right do you have to completely alter the life of the people involved, innocent or not?
What right do you have to press the button?
Why do you press the button?